Lecken der Gesichter

I’ve realized over the last couple of days that I haven’t written in here for weeks.  A lot of it has to do with how busy I’ve been and how weird my priorities have been lately.

For starters, I have been taking summer courses.  I have a college algebra class at MACC that somehow I still have an A in and then a graduate level Fibers class.  Next week starts my sociology course.  For fibers, it was an everyday class, and I probably was in the studio for 25 hours every week.  Now that I look back on it, I think that I should have actually worked more…:/ I think I could have produced even more and more beautiful stuff.

However, even though school should be my number one priority, lately it’s been money and how I don’t have any.  Because of this, I’ve been obsessed with selling things on my Etsy account.  In fact, if anyone even reads this anymore, I’m going to pimp out my store.  It’s GangGreeneCo.etsy.com.  My Etsy account has been my number one priority the last week that I’ve neglected more important things, and especially people.  Money is such a little shit for me that I’ve had entire days ruined for me because of the stress, and I’ve unfortunately have been expressing my grief onto Colin.  I feel incredibly guilty now, especially in retrospect, about involving him in my problems, and then pushing him away when he’s trying to help.  I’m such a bitch!

Today has been this shittiest day.  I don’t even know where to begin.

It’s been weeks since the last time I blogged.  Here’s the run down on some happenings:

1.  I made chocolate hazelnut and cashew baklava a few weeks ago.

2. BΩB v ATΩ Field Day

3. Cheryl had sent me flowers for my show and they lived for over two weeks!

4. I moved.  This isn’t a good representation of my new place.  This was just the only photo I took of it so far, and it’s just of my closet.  I will give you a virtual tour soon!

5.  I had my birthday!  Unfortunately, I didn’t take any pictures of it at all because I left my camera.  Colin had a barbecue at his house “in my honor”.  We played board games and stuff.  It was a lot lot lot of fun.  He also got me Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and we played for like four hours straight afterwards.  Jackie gave me some linoleum prints she made in art class.

6.  Ashley and I went on the most epic of grrl dates last night.  First off, again, I left my nikon.  However, I recently found one of my toy cameras through the moving process so I’ve been taking lots of fotos (mainly of Colin) on expired colored film.  Anyways, on our grrl date, Ashley, Jackie, and I went to this Indian restaurant.  We all ordered things we weren’t sure about (except I ordered mutter paneer, which I thought was what I liked, and it was).  We probably spent at least half an hour just reading the menu and deciding and then when Ashley got her order, it was GIANT.  Little Ashley Long could never finish that much!  Since I didn’t have my camera, of course I took some low quality camera phone fotos, which I will upload later.  After we dropped Jackie off because she had school today, Ashley and I went and watched Iron Man 2.  I’ve noticed that we’ve consecutively have been watching Robert Downey Jr. movies in the last few grrl dates we’ve had.  ALSO, Ashley DROVE. Well, sort of.  She drove following her mom to my house, and then I drove us around.  But then after the date, Ashley drove home all by herself!

So now that I’m home in St. Louis, I CANNOT wait to leave.  My allergies have been absolutely terrible here.  I’ve worked every day, which has been nice.  I really REALLY need money right now. I just want to go home and sit around, play video games, and clean my gross kitchen.  The kitchen at home is SO disgusting.  Not only are all of the appliances from the 70s, but there ARE ANTS.  I HATE ANTS.  There’s water damage in all of the cabinets, mold in the refrigerator and on all of the counter tops, and a sticky film on every door handle and knob.  I’m grossed out just thinking about it.  I also can’t wait to go work out again.  I never have time to exercise in St. Louis because my parents have me do all kinds of shit for them all day.

Anyways, Colin and I might go to Grant’s Farm on Saturday when he gets back from New Jersey.   And then his brother is having a graduation party.  I also have to take Jackie to a birthday party.  She is always going to parties and doing fun things and shit.  I never got to do half of the stuff she gets to do now.  Oh, and I’m going to the dentist tomorrow.  I love the dentist!

Sorry for the extra long, scattered post.  I’ll have better submissions soon.

More than ANYTHING, I hate B+s.  <–look, it even looks like B.S.

I really wouldn’t mind it too much if Truman actually showed +s in your transcript, but they don’t.  So teachers tell you, “Hey, you did a really great job, but you tapered down a little towards the end.  That’s why I’m giving you a B, but a B-plus.”  WHAT THE FUCK BULL SHIT!

Why don’t you just give me a straight up B then and cut the crap!  I don’t want a sympathy (+) when it doesn’t mean anything but tell me I’m not good enough.  I think teachers believe that adding a plus will encourage students to work harder, but for me, it tells me to not bother, because I have no idea what your subjective standards are and I’m sick of working my ass off for a B+.  For Fuck’s sake, I’d rather have a C than a B+; a shitty grade in place of an indecisive grade.  In my grading world, since I don’t get Ds or Fs, the B+ is literally the worst grade I can get.

Now that my BFA show is over, I have no idea what to do anymore.  Leah told me that when she was done with her ceramics show last semester, it was like giving birth to a baby, and then the baby just disappeared.  I kind of feel that way.   Just a weird sadness and not belonging anywhere.  What the fuck do I do now?  I feel even more detached simply because I’m staying an extra year.  It was hard enough when I missed Jessica, Abby, Lorrie, and Amber graduating, but now people my own age are going and I feel lonelier than ever.  Since finishing my show, I still have not attended to myself and have not gotten restful sleep.  When I’m awake, I’m not thinking clearly and make ridiculous decisions and say crazy things.  I’m losing control of myself.  This isn’t me.  I am not me right now.  And I want to be so desperately.  I’ve gone to Yoga this week, which has restored some of my sanity.  I haven’t been eating what I want, either.  I’m hoping that I find my way again, soon.  Because I’m starting to revisit a part of me that I want nothing to do with.

Steamed Rice, Chinese Sausage, steamed broccoli, a fried egg and shoy yu sauce. YUMMMM

why did I get 65 hits yesterday???

I am totally boned by:

My fledgling BFA show plus the 40 page paper for it

Drawing V independent drawing work and the advanced drawing show I have to organize for it

10 page paper with no guidelines or prompt for English

Stressing out about money, and the lack of it

Did I get accepted to take a summer class at MACC or what???

Crazy allergies

People I love getting sick

The last several weeks have been a living hell.  At my lowest point, I felt as if my show wouldn’t happen.  With that stress, only more piled on with my father going to the hospital, my mom trying to pull the family together only to be dealt a bad hand herself, and my sister going through her own dire life crisis.  I was also pms-ing extra hard, and I said things to Colin that I didn’t mean.  The entire last week could not have gotten any worse.  I felt so unwanted and just a pain in the ass for everyone.  I still feel pretty helpless about the situations, but now that I’m done grieving, even though things don’t feel good, and just about everything has fallen apart, I guess that all I can do is work my way out of it.

Today is the cakewalk.  With that, I have to rewrite a good chunk of my BFA paper, research for my final paper for English, print out copies of my resume, a quiz in English, check out the non-profit fair,  German class, curate a drawing show, meet with non-profit leaders, design a poster for BOB, work on my 3rd piece for my show, and find time to eat, maybe.  I’ve already worked out today, which makes me feel so great.  Ok.  It is 9am.  Time to get this shit done.

Yesterday, Colin and I had a mini, mini vacation at Thousand Hills.  We swung on the swings and frolicked in the icy water.

It was pretty windy, but beautiful.