Last Post pt. 2
While working three jobs and being a full time student is stressful as it comes, getting my finances together for grad school, figuring out where to go/what to do next is also a huge aspect of my immediate life. When it’s coupled by the ever growing stress of ben harassing me, a lot of things get unbearable and I end up performing a little less than perfect at one or more of my jobs.
If I don’t win an order of protection against ben, I think that I’ll be ok. Just having this past month knowing that he couldn’t harass me online has been a Godsend. I don’t think he really understands why I even applied for an order of protection. How many times can you ask someone to stop bothering you, only for them to retaliate and push you even further??? I just want him to completely leave me alone but he doesn’t seem to understand what I say to him and he twists and transforms it into something that didn’t need to be as dramatic as he is making it to be.
The terror surrounding the whole aspect of him publishing my password stems from two major places right now.
The first being that my password was very personal. Of course all passwords are personal but the meaning behind mine was very personal. jahc67111– ”JAHC” are all the first initials to members of my family. The “67111″ part of the password was the password assigned to me (embarrassingly enough) from the Mest (as in the ‘punk’ band) discussion board. I still had an account there, last time I checked, and ’67111′ was still my login password. I combined two things that were extremely personal (one being extremely embarrassing) together to form that password when I was 15 and used it through college.
This password was the password that I protected my computer with. It’s the password that ben learned when he helped set up my internet as an ITS consultant. It’s the password that I used to sign into my online bank account and Truman email. I felt completely violated when I saw it published on his Twitter. I don’t think anyone will understand how violating it feels unless they see their password at all. Just try it. Usually when you type your password, it’s protected by asterisks or bubbles, but try typing it straight up on a word document. It’s daunting. Now imagine seeing it on someone’s public Twitter. Just typing it up there in my last paragraph was hard enough. Ben contaminates everything.
I thought that I was already feeling violated when I saw all of this, but this past week in court, his lawyer had told my lawyer that it wasn’t a real problem because it had to have been a very common password because BEN WAS USING IT TOO. Since we had broken up, he had changed his password to mine and had been using it as his own. That makes absolutely no sense to me. If that’s the case, why would he publish his own password,too? Even more creepy, why the hell is he using my password unless he’s a really deranged creeper. It’s not a common password at all. It’s a seemingly meaningless string of numbers and letters. And it only meant something personal to me, and not him, other than the fact that I was using it.
Having an order of protection may keep ben from contacting me, and it might not. I just had to take a chance. I can’t live in fear of him trying to screw up my life or him trying to infiltrate it no matter where I am. I mean that physically and emotionally. I’m in a really great place right now. I have a loving boyfriend. I love the things that I do. I love working everywhere I am working. I love working with the people that I work with. I love learning, and being young, and enjoying who I am. In a few months, I’ll be at grad school, doing all of these same things. I just want the reassurance that I can enjoy all of these things, but most importantly, enjoy all of these things without ben in my life. If anything at all, hopefully by going through this court ordeal, he will leave me alone anyways, regardless if there’s a piece of paper protecting me or not. I don’t know, but I can only hope.
