Lecken der Gesichter

Now that my BFA show is over, I have no idea what to do anymore.  Leah told me that when she was done with her ceramics show last semester, it was like giving birth to a baby, and then the baby just disappeared.  I kind of feel that way.   Just a weird sadness and not belonging anywhere.  What the fuck do I do now?  I feel even more detached simply because I’m staying an extra year.  It was hard enough when I missed Jessica, Abby, Lorrie, and Amber graduating, but now people my own age are going and I feel lonelier than ever.  Since finishing my show, I still have not attended to myself and have not gotten restful sleep.  When I’m awake, I’m not thinking clearly and make ridiculous decisions and say crazy things.  I’m losing control of myself.  This isn’t me.  I am not me right now.  And I want to be so desperately.  I’ve gone to Yoga this week, which has restored some of my sanity.  I haven’t been eating what I want, either.  I’m hoping that I find my way again, soon.  Because I’m starting to revisit a part of me that I want nothing to do with.

Steamed Rice, Chinese Sausage, steamed broccoli, a fried egg and shoy yu sauce. YUMMMM

why did I get 65 hits yesterday???

I am totally boned by:

My fledgling BFA show plus the 40 page paper for it

Drawing V independent drawing work and the advanced drawing show I have to organize for it

10 page paper with no guidelines or prompt for English

Stressing out about money, and the lack of it

Did I get accepted to take a summer class at MACC or what???

Crazy allergies

People I love getting sick

The last several weeks have been a living hell.  At my lowest point, I felt as if my show wouldn’t happen.  With that stress, only more piled on with my father going to the hospital, my mom trying to pull the family together only to be dealt a bad hand herself, and my sister going through her own dire life crisis.  I was also pms-ing extra hard, and I said things to Colin that I didn’t mean.  The entire last week could not have gotten any worse.  I felt so unwanted and just a pain in the ass for everyone.  I still feel pretty helpless about the situations, but now that I’m done grieving, even though things don’t feel good, and just about everything has fallen apart, I guess that all I can do is work my way out of it.

Today is the cakewalk.  With that, I have to rewrite a good chunk of my BFA paper, research for my final paper for English, print out copies of my resume, a quiz in English, check out the non-profit fair,  German class, curate a drawing show, meet with non-profit leaders, design a poster for BOB, work on my 3rd piece for my show, and find time to eat, maybe.  I’ve already worked out today, which makes me feel so great.  Ok.  It is 9am.  Time to get this shit done.