Lecken der Gesichter

Currently, I am in unable to think thoughtfully on my Fibers work, so I’ve decided to relay some other things that have been on my mind.  First things first: Crushes.

I have a mondo friend crush on this girl in my German class.  She’s really cute, she’s a ginger, she’s an art major, and I want to be her friend!  Unfortunately, I think she’s also a freshman.  Now, I’m not an ageist or anything.  It’s unfortunate that she’s a freshman, because she’s in figure drawing II class… where I nude model! That’s right.  My friend crush has seen me naked. I ran into her in the bathroom the other day too, so not only has she seen me naked, she’s heard me pee.  She stopped looking me in the eye. But that’s not the worst part—I don’t know her name!  I feel like Charlie Brown and the red headed girl, only, I only want to be her friend and I love my boyfriend very much.

Moving along, the next thing I want to talk about is Runescape. I’ve been playing a lot of it whenever I’m in the weeds and need a moment off, and I’d like to share my experience.  I only started a new account but two weeks ago, and I’m already at combat lvl 38!  Soon, I’ll be fishing lobsters, if you know what I mean.  If you DO know what I mean, add me!  My handle is of course Hefloats. Here are some screenshots:This is me with full Mithril armour.

Here I am with NO armour.

&&& Here I am fishing.

I got into an argument with someone on it today, and I think they reported me.  Whoopsie!

Finally, now that I’ve gotten all of that off my chest, I need to get things back on my chest—meaning loads of fabric covered in wheat glue.  My exhibition revolves around me replicating my skin, as if it were peeling, and it takes hours for it to dry.  I can’t move while it’s drying either.  If anyone out there wants to hang out with me while we literally wait for glue to dry, we can watch movies, play video games with limited mobility, or just straight up chat.  Holla’ at yo girl!

I am enamored with frustration right now.  I haven’t been able to do anything right.  I procrastinate on homework and when I get to it, I feel completely inadequate.  My senior thesis right now is dogging me.  I am completely lost in my material process.

Still, dizzy and light headed—the cleanse is definitely the culprit.  Last night I had some peas to help with that.  I think that my portions for food were still the sizes that I ate from marathon training, and I didn’t transition smoothly since I decided to cleanse so abruptly.  I don’t know if I should stop or not:  I may be dizzy and have trouble concentrating, but I feel really great otherwise.

I’ve made this photo my computer background (which I haven’t changed for six years):

I’ve gotten strange and funny looks, especially from the guy that I work with who keeps hitting on me .  Perfect.

still can’t sleep.

A friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend.  I don’t know if this friend reads my blog or not, but I think I’d be mortified if she knew I was writing about this, but what she had said to me about it, really affected me in a profound way.

In fact, I may be crying.

It’s really weird to think about what I really want from life, because doing so makes me have to self-evaluate or search or analyze something that isn’t physically there. I don’t mean to be cryptic, but I can’t find words to explain what I truly feel.

So, my friend tells me that she breaks up with her boyfriend, and the reasons are because things didn’t line up.  She says that she still loves him and cries.  She cries!  That really breaks my heart.  But more than anything that affected me, was that she broke up with him, because she knows what she wants, and what she wanted wasn’t there.

More or less she said, “I wanted to express how I felt deeply for him, but he didn’t believe in love.  I’ve suppressed those feelings for so long that now when he finally feels love, I can’t anymore.  Now, I want to be young, and love, and get hurt, and not know what comes next.”

My friend is very beautiful, but I don’t think she’s ever been as beautiful as at that moment.

I know that it’s only ten-thirty right now, but I’m having trouble sleeping. I’ve been really exhausted, dizzy, and light headed all day.  I’m master cleansing again, because I realized how terribly I had been treating my body.  I’ve been fairly cranky and weird.  I don’t think about my hunger, but appreciate that it exists.  This time around, my cleanse is a lot different and even more difficult than my first cleanse.  I think there is something that I’m not letting go.  Or maybe it’s stress from my show (among other things).

There are a lot of pictures that I haven’t posted yet.  It’s been really busy.  Like so busy, that I almost regret spending most of my free time playing Runescape with Colin.  I’ve spent a lot of money already preparing for my show, and I’ll spend even more time working on it.  It’s only been the first week of school, and it already feels like a we’re a month in.

I kidnapped Colin over break where we briefly watched the sun rise in 4 degree weather and then high-tailed it back to his place where we played Nazi Zombies and Modern Warfare 2 .  But before that, we ate at what had to be the oldest McDonalds in Missouri, located in St. Charles on Fifth Street S.

When we got back to Kirksville, I caught Colin looking angelic

We had a miserably cold snow fight, and Mikey had an eye infection and slept all day every day.

I had to drop out of photography because it no longer fit into my schedule (saddest day.  I actually cried) and enrolled into Drawing V.  I never thought I’d actually want to be in that class.  I never considered myself the a drawer.  

My latest project is about drawing people eating, but what I imagine them to look like naked.  It’s about self-loathing and self-loving.  I’ll post those drawings, and my sketches for my capstone show later.

How weird that was! But seriously the easiest 16.50$ I’ve ever made.  I guess it’s cool how many crazy and great things I’ve done in a year.  Man, actually, It’s really cool.  Even though nude modeling was “easy”, it was only easy because my longest pose was under twenty minutes, and I had a lot of fun critiquing (in my head, next time I’ll actually say my opinions out loud) of the drawings.  I don’t think I’m into the way Garry teaches gestural drawing.  To me, if we spend more than 3 minutes on a drawing, it’s not gestural.  Anyways, unfortunately, one of the freshman in figure drawing is also in my German class!  I have a friend crush on her.  Colin thinks it’ll be easier to befriend her because she’s already seen me naked.  She didn’t look me in the eye once today in German. :c  I actually don’t remember her name either.  Whatev!

Colin and I just made the best Stroganoff ever (CoJonoff) and now we’re doing a speedrun of Super Metroids. The myth is true—Last time, we (really, Colin) finished in like 2:19 and we got to see Samus take it all off; down to her zero suit bikini.

Mikey learned how to play fetch, and my first week back to school was kind of hell.  So much shit, and I had to drop photography because Dr. Shoaff had been expecting us to come to Fibers still, and none of us realized it.  FUCKKKKK.  That’s ok, I can take it again later.  So now, I’m in Drawing V and I’m going to kick ass.  Yeah? Otherwise, it’s been a busy week at the Gallery, too, and I know what I’m doing for my capstone exhibition!  I’ll post images later.  Right now, I have to get back into the game.

Colin and I left for Kirksville on Wednesday rather than Friday to try to beat the crazy snow storm that would be working against us.  The trip lasted nearly seven hours because of the terrible driving conditions, and which became the seed to my dastardly fluctuating week.  I’ve been at a constant low to mid-low mood since, and each time I start building back up, I hit a stupid roadblock.

I just came back from the rec to find that after nearly a month of not running, I still have my stamina and can easily knock out a mile and hyperextend in all of my stretches.  I’m really glad I spent some time working out—I think my ego needed it.

This week, or next, I start nude modeling.  I’m actually kind of excited now.  Initially, I’m really creeped out by the idea of freshmen that I’ll be seeing a lot in classes eyeballing me, but there is still some twang of pleasure knowing that my young body will be immortalized in mediocre charcoal drawings and oogled by the life-drawers.  I’m lookin’ pretty good.

Priya cancelled photography class this whole week because she’s doing big things with her name and is involved with a photo book.  How bad ass.

Today, I was taking a shower and I over lathered.  My parents had switched shower heads between theirs and my bathroom while I was away at college, and so my new shower head emits little water, especially compared to my old head.  Because I was extra slippery from all of the suds, I accidently slipped, fell on the shower door, which opened from my weight, and slid onto the cold marble floor of my bathroom, right on my bare ass.  Plus, I’m on the rag.  Now I’m bruised all over—my body and my ego.  FML.

Colin and I had made all kinds of grandeur plans for spending New Years Eve 2009 with a bunch of strangers, but after being at work all day with a bunch of asshole strangers and having one of the busiest dinner rushes I’ve ever experienced, we ended up opting for a mellow night at his house instead.

We started the night off eating at Red Lobster, where I had stuffed flounder and Colin had grilled shrimp.  Our waitress was really great, even though we came in pretty late.  Thanks lady!

Then, we went back to his house, played a few rounds of Starcraft with his brother (what better a way to send off 2009!), and had champagne out of plastic cups with his family.  Even though it was pretty tame, it was just a lot of fun spending time with him.  We made plans for our date today (which will kick ASS) watched some Seinfield, trolled the internet, got shady, and fell asleep on the couch only to be awaken by extreme cold—the furnace had klunked out in the middle of the night—and we woke up to 30 degree indoor temperatures and his family scrambling around us.

Yup.  That’s it.

In a few short hours, I’ll be shooting a rifle and maybe a shotgun (if I grow a pair), going ice skating, and being young and in love.