makes me so angry and so anxious. I constantly am reminding myself about this feeling, that it’s not who I am, that where before, I blamed myself for feeling sad or angry or anxious, these feelings are due to external stresses that I have no control over, and therefore should just let go. It’s often difficult for me to turn any situation from a pissy, annoying occurrence into a positive or optimistic one when I am here. It feels like it takes nearly six times less time for my spirit to be broken here, than it does when I’m not at “home”/in Saint Louis.
Right now, I’m upset at myself for falling asleep. I feel guilty because I let my sister down, but more than anything, I just realized that I feel guilty all of the time whenever I’m here. Just a lot of negative energy all around, and I’m afraid that I’ll pass it along to other people. Part of me doesn’t even want to post any of this negative shit at all, because I don’t want to plague anyone else of these feelings.
I lost my lens cap yesterday. For Christmas eve and day, we (the fam) went to the casino, and I won forty-something dollars on the slots and on the roulette. I’ve finally finished hand-writing some letters I meant to send out weeks ago, and I’m starting to put ideas together about my senior show. I’ve been going to yoga at the purported best yoga studio in Saint Louis, which I find mediocre at best, but it’s still better than none. Oh, and I’m constantly craving sweets.
I can’t wait for something. Anything.
